Visit US Contradiction

My weekend was so screwed up. I think it's because what happened to my few days ago. We (me and my baby) had a little fight. Well, it's not exactly a fight, but a serious conversation. I shouldn't talk about my cousin. My baby wanted me to find another man for myself. I dont feel like I want to. Through our conversation, it seems that he pushed me away from him. Not sure if i did something wrong. But I was so speechless, my tears falling down whenever he talked about something... After that, I couldn't talk to him. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, but he pushed me away already... Would it wise to keep talking to him if he doesn't want me?? So I just keep silent. Hoping that he would say something... Well, he did.. but he talked about other topic. A topic that I was not even have a heart to think about. Yea, I was so upset... so sad. Sometimes I want to yell, but... keep feeling that it would be useless. After that, I couldn't think straight... my eyes was bulge. Well, yes it stil now.. a lil bit. The next day (his evening), he went online after Risk night. I couldn't believe myself.. Usually he wont go online. We didn't talk much, i just said that someone's from the channel was looking for him. He went to irc and talked in other channel. He said that he couldn't sleep. That's weird. He usually easy to sleep. I was wondered why, so I told myself that he might need someone to talk... but the other side of me said that it would be against what he wanted to, (remember... he pushed me away, so i don't have any right to talk to him anymore). Once again, my heart wins, my logic brain lose.. ;( So I questioned him. He was thinking about his friend, Michelle's problem.. which is actually SAME just like my problem. I couldn't say to him about it.... He would be sad.

So I guess it's not wrong if I put my thought and heart into this blog. Just like xiaxue did after she broke up with her bf. Obviously, I feel like he's back into his 'back and forth mind' again.. (in fact, he's doing great lately... and I love him more than before!!). Yea, this is happening just like old times. He said that he knows that he's not the one who makes my life complete, and guess why.. he just know it. Well, I'm pretty sure that he's the right one. BUT I wouldn't make such decision myself.. Beside, I need to prove my feeling whether it's right or wrong. How? Well, by meeting him. Yes, How could you decide something if you've never meet the person in real life?
This stupid conversation was back again awhile to when I tried to tell him about my next goal.

My previous goal were go to thailand to see jira (my online sister), get myself a nice cellphone, then a sweet digital camera, then my own laptop. I fulfilled all that.. now it comes to next goal. I thought about it for such a looong time. Yeah, something about... would it worth to visit US? or Is it a good time to go to US for vacation? I keep wondering like this... over and over again. Finally, I decided that I really really should start from now on... Guess what, somehow he's going to run away from me again. He's doing it again. I dont understand, why he dislikes me to go to US and visit him. I'm not changing my life for him... yet (it would happen IF we're going to get married. So what? He's not even think about that... or scared, i should say). Still don't understand why whenever I say something about visit America, he always freak out. Geesh, am I that scazy ? I don't think so

So anyway, whatever happen... i can't stop loving him. That's all I know... for now. Somehow I do hope I have another options. Not sure if he would talk to me tomorrow or the next day. I'll be right here if he needs to talk... Well, it's not that I dont want to talk to him... but he pushed me away. I dont want to let him think that I push myself back again. Giving him time and space probably a good idea.