Cutted Heart

I wasn't thinking about anything today. Kinda weird because I'm used to talk to him at night. No one to talk today. So I thought I can read random xangas... Thought about modifying myspace's friends. I signed in and doing this and that... until...

HOLY CRAP!!!!! He changed his details!!!! From "Single" to .... as you can see...

When we 'were' together... he never changed this... Although I kept hoping that he would like to switch it... Suddenly i feel like a knife stabs my heart....

That scissor really cut my heart.... I can even feel the pain... so much pain....
Oh God... what should i do... :(

Independence Day for Dewi ;) (A Reminder for myself...)

Dear Dewi,

I'm glad that you made such a great decision today. The same day as Indonesia celebrates its Independence Day. August 17th, 2006 61 Anniversary for Indonesia. A freedom among people all over Indonesia.

When he comes back to you and starts to talk to again. I hope you can control your emotion. Remember, EQ that you've been learning and doing everyday... I know it's hurt... but this happen again, I want you to prepare yourself... for the sake of your heart and of course, yourself... You know what's he doing right now... you understand how he is so excited about his new gf. Don't let him insult you more further. You need to grow up to be an adult. To protect yourself and your heart. You dont want him to ruin your life... again.

After a week or so, before he starts to do 'close thing' with you. You have to warn him... Tell him about this...

G, You know that we've been talking for weeks... and there is something that I have to tell you. This is very serious and important to me... so please listen to me carefully.
Since August 17, 2006 I've decided something for myself... and my future... my project. I'm looking for someone for long-term relationship. A serious person who willing to share the rest of his life with me. I'm turning 28 soon. It's time to move on and get a serious life.... so yea, dates --> bf-gf -> getting married. I've been single and lonely for long looong time, almost my whole life... Don't want to eat my meal alone anymore... or even sleep alone... I want someone to care of, as i'd like to be taken care of...

No matter where i find him, in real or online... I dont mind. If he wants to get serious with me and like to get to know me further in real life for serious relationship... then tell me, come and meet me.... I do understand online thngs is only a temporary thing, sometimes it helps to get to know better or maintain a relationship... so the balance of those are okay with me. And of course, I'll start to learn to like or love him. I dont care where he comes from, who/what he is... Infact, I dont really care WHERE i'm getting married as long as I say I do
If he's not serious... so back off...

And as for you, It goes to you too. But if you want to share anything, need me to listen to your problems... your stories, ask my opinion, or... just talk, you gotta tell me. Tell me with your straight words... nothing else. So I know where and what are my limitations as friends. Honestly, I might still have feelings for you... BUT, I wouldn't like it to screw up my life again. I had enough... took years to get this over and over again.... so tired.. If you really care about me. So, from now on... please stop play games or make fun of me... if you want to talk... just talk... no more games, no more playing.... no more...
You dont have to answer it right now, coz i want you to think about it. When you're really ready with your decision... let me know about it. I hope it's not taking long time for you to think...

There is another thing that i want to ask your favor. This is for my safety and protection....
I want to see your record.... I understand that this might bring you back to the worst past... but I want to see. Either way is okay with me. If you want to let me look at it online, i dont mind...
Because if you don't, when you want to meet me in real life.... i'll definitely ask you to bring your record. Of course, you don't want to feel bad infront of me or else... Beside, you told me about it.. and you know the rest... why can't i see it with my own eyes?? don't you trust me ?

I'm pretty sad today, because of my cousin 'yelled' at me in the car. Well, there she is when we waited my friend at the starbucks. Waiting while reading book. I bought a new book.

Well, if you can't see her clearly. Here is another pic i took.

Well, it's about her 'new' male korean friend. She thought I should not accompanied her when she met her korean friend during dinner or 'chitchat'.

Visit US Contradiction

My weekend was so screwed up. I think it's because what happened to my few days ago. We (me and my baby) had a little fight. Well, it's not exactly a fight, but a serious conversation. I shouldn't talk about my cousin. My baby wanted me to find another man for myself. I dont feel like I want to. Through our conversation, it seems that he pushed me away from him. Not sure if i did something wrong. But I was so speechless, my tears falling down whenever he talked about something... After that, I couldn't talk to him. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, but he pushed me away already... Would it wise to keep talking to him if he doesn't want me?? So I just keep silent. Hoping that he would say something... Well, he did.. but he talked about other topic. A topic that I was not even have a heart to think about. Yea, I was so upset... so sad. Sometimes I want to yell, but... keep feeling that it would be useless. After that, I couldn't think straight... my eyes was bulge. Well, yes it stil now.. a lil bit. The next day (his evening), he went online after Risk night. I couldn't believe myself.. Usually he wont go online. We didn't talk much, i just said that someone's from the channel was looking for him. He went to irc and talked in other channel. He said that he couldn't sleep. That's weird. He usually easy to sleep. I was wondered why, so I told myself that he might need someone to talk... but the other side of me said that it would be against what he wanted to, (remember... he pushed me away, so i don't have any right to talk to him anymore). Once again, my heart wins, my logic brain lose.. ;( So I questioned him. He was thinking about his friend, Michelle's problem.. which is actually SAME just like my problem. I couldn't say to him about it.... He would be sad.

So I guess it's not wrong if I put my thought and heart into this blog. Just like xiaxue did after she broke up with her bf. Obviously, I feel like he's back into his 'back and forth mind' again.. (in fact, he's doing great lately... and I love him more than before!!). Yea, this is happening just like old times. He said that he knows that he's not the one who makes my life complete, and guess why.. he just know it. Well, I'm pretty sure that he's the right one. BUT I wouldn't make such decision myself.. Beside, I need to prove my feeling whether it's right or wrong. How? Well, by meeting him. Yes, How could you decide something if you've never meet the person in real life?
This stupid conversation was back again awhile to when I tried to tell him about my next goal.

My previous goal were go to thailand to see jira (my online sister), get myself a nice cellphone, then a sweet digital camera, then my own laptop. I fulfilled all that.. now it comes to next goal. I thought about it for such a looong time. Yeah, something about... would it worth to visit US? or Is it a good time to go to US for vacation? I keep wondering like this... over and over again. Finally, I decided that I really really should start from now on... Guess what, somehow he's going to run away from me again. He's doing it again. I dont understand, why he dislikes me to go to US and visit him. I'm not changing my life for him... yet (it would happen IF we're going to get married. So what? He's not even think about that... or scared, i should say). Still don't understand why whenever I say something about visit America, he always freak out. Geesh, am I that scazy ? I don't think so

So anyway, whatever happen... i can't stop loving him. That's all I know... for now. Somehow I do hope I have another options. Not sure if he would talk to me tomorrow or the next day. I'll be right here if he needs to talk... Well, it's not that I dont want to talk to him... but he pushed me away. I dont want to let him think that I push myself back again. Giving him time and space probably a good idea.

Thank God, it's monday already !!!!

Wow, time is running quite slow.. and fast.. It's monday here today. My baby will come back home in two days!!! Can't wait to talk to him again... I talked to jira two days ago, said that I missed my baby soo much... She asked me a question, when the longest days i haven't talk to my baby before? It took awhile to answer... "never, usually only 1-2 days or during weekend". When she went to bed, I thought about it. Yeah... I remember, the longest days was like loooong time ago, At the end of year 2004. That was the time when he has a gf or something, and he went to a trip with his family. And we had a fight or haven't talk to each other intensively. The same time when my grandmother died. After that..hmm..... never... He never left on vacation for more than 3 days.

I was doubt about my relationship for almost a week. Last night, when I watched The scholar on StarWorld, cable tv. There is a quote... " You can find something inside a person in few hours rather than years of conversation" (Well,... I need to find the exact quote, but you do understand what it meant). I realised that maybe i should do it anyway, and then I can decide what to do or move on... Jira said that I'm totally crazy to my baby. I guess so. Just now I read a new post from xiaxue. All that seems new signs for me. As much as I want to do it... maybe it's the right thing to do. Pictures, conversations, and stuff like that... really really mean something to me. I want to do the trip and blog them.... like xiaxue. There is an excitement inside me. Money? I think I can save more next month. :D

Anyway baby, hurryyyyy... come back to me... I miss youuuuu.... so much!!! I tried to msg you, but no replies :( Hao xiang ni!!! Hen ai niiiiii !!! :D

Mexico.. WHAT THE HECK?!!!

I'm pretty sad coz my sweetheart will be gone to mexico for almost a week. :-( Seems like foreveerrrrr.. Oh well, i hope he will have a good time over there... and I stay busy!!!

Tiring

Today is a little bit tired for me. What I hate was followed a 'stupid' downline to BSD (1 hour from my place) ONLY to show a 18 years KID our warehouse... And no... OMZET !!!! :(( Long hour and drive to BSD, and geeeesssshhhhhh.... I'm still tired from sunday's seminar. Time to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeepp. Yea, I slept for 15-16 hours.